The past mattered because it made me who I am today.

I have about 2 months til I turn 24. And because it is June, I will always go through what I have achieved and reminisce where I came from.

I am def not proud of my past but constantly reminding myself of what happened and who I was keeps me from doing further harm to myself and those around me who I deeply love.
This brings me back to my teenage years, which I dearly missed. It was when dangerous experiments were conducted and when everything that was new and exciting belonged on illegal grounds. There is def too much to mention here, so I will generalize everything. At least, on my own, when I read through this entry I could probably remember what EXACTLY happened. I guess this will serve as a catalyst for my own memory.

**DISCLAIMER: Some of you may relate to my experiences, but in no way or other should you replicate the situations mentioned here into your own lives as I will not bear responsibility if you get into the wrong side of the law or your parents’. This applies to people under the age of 21 who may be reading this blog as well as adults who have missed out and want to start experimenting.**

1. The worst thing anyone could have done….
..is beating up a parent. Especially if the parent is your mother. And I didn’t know what got into me, but I did it because I wanted to break free. I wanted to stay out really late, I wanted no control over my actions whatsoever. I wanted to do as I pleased. That was a few lame reasons but a 15 year old sure has a lot of rage.
And so I ended up running away from home, slept at a friend’s at night, and at a random guy’s house in the day when she went to school. One can only imagine the adventures I went through in this period of time. It was fun but I’d never do it again.

2. The hardest habit to kick…
..is drugs and alcohol. It was just a normal activity with the older crowd I used to hang out with when I was 16. AND doing it brought me to another place, way beyond anyone could ever understand. I remembered keeping a bottle of whiskey under my bed, wrapped in plastic, just so I could sleep peacefully. And as I got older, I brought some redbull and vodka to lectures to drink to iron out the nerves of starting work.

3. I could have gotten my hand chopped off..
.. but thank god, I have been safe. Stealing is another habit so hard to kick. I still have the thinking drilled into my head, ’Why pay for it if you can get it for free?’ It is a harmful thought, and now even though I have moolah I still go around stealing things. But most of the time the bf will stop me. I would steal anything and everything, food, drinks, newspapers, books, ice cream, clothes, accessories, friends’ money, cell phone… you name it! I love doing it, but I know someday, I have to stop for good. But then again if I were to become poor, this is def a skill to re-master for survival. Hee!

4. The most difficult concept to grasp is..
..learning to control my temper. I get angry at the littlest things, and because of my martial arts background (although menial) I dared to pick fights. A lot of people think I dare to meddle with such situations because of the ‘support’ I have. I belonged to a gang once (it was lame) but I didn’t really involve them in the little hiccups I have with other people. The last I did was punching a girl in her face, causing her lips or something to bleed, but that was because I was slapped in the first place, and yes it was my fault for calling her a slut. Oh wait, I did punch a guy til he was bleeding profusely from the nose. And I know I won’t be in trouble unless they file a magistrate’s complaint. But I think I’m slowly letting go of my temper cuz I don’t get bouts of anger attacks coming. I do throw things around once in a while. I do still want to feel meat on my fist, and that’s the sick part. (Shouldn’t I just get a punching bag or a pet cow, right?)

5. There is just one thing that I wish I could still do..
..and that is wanting to roam the streets late at night, and hanging out with my best friend who lived a few blocks away. EVERYDAY. We would hang out with different groups of people, went out with different guys everyday and did senseless things. All without a care in the world. We were so tight, we’d protect each other (although more of her protecting me), we’d do anything and everything together. It was ultimately thrilling to get into clubs when you are much younger than the age limit. All those drinking and smoking (there was no need to go look for smoking room) and dancing and getting to know so many people… the drunken stupors, the headaches and the tears, the pregnancy scares and fights… are really experiences one would only see in tv.
BUT THEN I HAD TO MOVE OUT. I guess my parents realised the neighbourhood wasn’t doing me any good and decided to move far, far away, and eventually the ‘ghetto’ life stopped its course.

Again, I stress that this is not an entry to tell the whole world what I’ve done or how 'cool' I am. Sometimes I realized that I act much too prissy now and forget where I’ve come from and what I’ve done. So this will serve as a constant reminder for me to not forget my roots as I am confident that bigger things will come my way soon. If you currently share the same predicament as I did in the past, it’s time to make a change. I’m not proud of where I am and what I am doing now, but at least I know I am not disappointing the ones I love dearly, as well as myself. I cannot emphasise further that education and humility is the only thing that will alleviate you from whatever sufferings you have (although not everything, but I assure you, most!). Earning respect through the things that you achieve is a definite esteem booster.

...and here's an old song i really enjoyed dancing to in Kreamz.. (+ 3 more in my playlist for now ;p)